New Zealand / Life And Society

How to know when to end a friendship

15:57 pm on 12 October 2024

Photo: Public domain

If a friendship is negatively affecting your mental health, it's probably time to either move on or step back, psychologist Karen Nimmo says.

"Friendship shouldn't exhaust you or make you feel anxious and you shouldn't feel like rushing for a drink or a Panadol in anticipation of meeting them," she tells Nine to Noon's Kathryn Ryan.

But how do you know when it is time to end or reconfigure a friendship?

People often get stressed about not having enough time to invest in good friendships so be sure you're not just burnt out by your life before letting someone go, Nimmo says.

How and when to call time on a friendship

"Sometimes we're so tired that it's about us rather than the actual friendship that we're thinking of breaking up. And maybe it's a matter of putting some space into it rather than actually ending it."

Many people find themselves drained by certain friendships and it is important to look hard at what you're getting as well as giving.

While it might sound a bit harsh, our friends can show up in our lives either as fountains that "fill us up" or drains that "suck us dry", Nimmo says.

Kind, supportive people who are compelled to be 'fixers' often find themselves run ragged by overgiving in friendships and other relationships.

If this sounds like you, she recommends taking a good look at how you are "training" other people to treat you.

"The way that we behave shapes the other person's behaviour so if you are being treated as the fixer, there might be something in the way that you are doing things that's leading to that.

"You might feel like you're putting a lot more into a friendship than you can actually give or they're demanding something of you. At that point, you have to consider whether it's worth the wisdom and the benefits of soldiering on with it."

To figure out if an existing or new person is "friendship material", Nimmo recommends the 'five-question test'.

Simply drop five "interested" questions about the other person and what they're doing into the conversation, then wait to see if you get anything in response that turns the conversation back to you.

"If you get nothing at all then it's probably a sign that you shouldn't advance that particular relationship.

"If a person is going on and on and on and about their issues and they only mention you at the end, as in 'how are you?' as they're walking out the door, you probably know that unless they're going through a really hard time something needs to change in that particular dynamic."

'It doesn't need to be a big dramatic thing as long as you don't ghost'

Ending friendships is a tricky business that doesn't always bring out our most honourable behaviour, Nimmo says.

"I haven't been open and honest and had a perfect conversation with every person who slipped away out of my life."

If you need space from a friend, she recommends being as honest as you can - and also kind if they are someone you love and want to maintain a relationship with.

Figure out how much time you can give to the friendship, she says, then have an honest conversation about what you are up for doing.

"Maybe it's just a matter of reducing the contact and then having a chat to the person about the fact you just don't have the availability to to meet their needs."

The conclusion or reformation of a friendship doesn't need to be a "big dramatic thing", Nimmo says, and can't be called ghosting unless you completely disappear from the other person's life.

"Say 'I've just got so much on. I don't have any bandwidth. I'm stretched. I'm happy to call you on a Thursday night or catch up on a Sunday afternoon or whatever works'. Think carefully about what works for you before you have that conversation because you do want to be honest ... Say 'What time do you have available?'

"Ask what would work for them and how you could rearrange [the relationship] and set some boundaries so that it might work for both of you."

If you have to let the relationship go completely, Nimmo says that is okay, too.

"There's no point in clinging to something that's that's no longer working for anyone."