Olympic champion Mahe Drysdale admits he's struggling and questioning whether his international rowing career is over.
New Zealand rower Mahe Drysdale. Photo: Photosport
In a personal blog on his website mahedrysdale.com, Drysdale said he's prided himself on being one of the "most mentally strong and resilient on the planet" but the lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic has got to him.
Earlier this month Drysdale was "on a high".
"I had just returned from a training camp and felt I had made some huge improvements in my rowing.
"At that point we were 120 days from the Olympics starting (127 days from retirement). I was on the downward stretch and really excited about the journey ahead and trying to end my career on a high."
Then the Tokyo Olympics were postponed for a year.
Not a long time in the context of a 20 year rowing career, but when you're turning 42-years-old in November, and will be close to 43 when the 2021 Games roll around, things take on a different perspective.
"In one day, I went from being on a high to lacking all motivation and questioning if I even wanted to go to the Olympics.
"It got so bad that I went out for a 2.5 hour cycle and after 15 minutes I turned around to return home as I just couldn't be bothered.
"I have never experienced anything like this; I have always been highly motivated and had an inner drive. I have never before questioned if I wanted to go to the Olympics - for me it was just weird.
"I am not certain that I have the drive needed to do what is required. Mentally it has been challenging....
"Anyone can do 120 days, you are literally into the final stages of ascent, you can see the summit, on the home stretch. But, 484 days and you've just slid down the mountain and are back at base camp.
"Will I be in Tokyo next year? I am not sure but probably. I am not there yet but it's not the time to make decisions right now and I am sure the answers will become clearer in the next few weeks."
Photo: PHOTOSPORT
Drysdale was trying to remain upbeat, enjoying his time at home and living a simple life.
"We are in a very fortunate position that we live in a great home with plenty of space and have enjoyed spending the days at home catching up on jobs that have been neglected while also spending quality time with family.
"We have just been enjoying being together and trying to occupy the kids and wear them out by bedtime. I have been out of the bubble twice to visit the supermarket, but I haven't had time like this at home for as long as I can remember, and I love it.
"Probably partly why I am enjoying it so much is that it's a great distraction from what else is going on and the fact that the professional side of my life right now is at a complete low point.
"The past week I have been doing a few acclimatising 'walks', testing the body and the mind to see if I have the want to get to the top again.
"I would guess there are a huge amount of people from all walks of life that feel the same way as me right now and are mentally struggling. What I have realised over the past week is this whole situation is weird and to be struggling is OK - probably even normal."