Photo: Bateman Books
When Wellington journalist Sarah Catherall separated from her husband, she couldn't find a book with practical advice to help her family get through.
Now, 15 years later, she and her ex are both happily re-partnered and their three daughters are thriving.
To offer guidance and hope to others struggling through a separation, Catherall shares her own experiences and expert tips in the new book How To Break Up Well.
Listen to Sarah Catherall on Saturday Morning
The book is for men and women who are dealing with a break-up and want insights into how to navigate these tricky, often painful times, Catherall says.
After her divorce, she was "a bit of a sad mum" but sought therapy as women are more inclined to do.
Many "sad dads", on the other hand, seek to fill the void of a break-up by downloading with someone new from a dating app.
"You've got your glass of wine and this guy's moaning about the ex. He should be doing that with a therapist."
After Catherall's divorce, she also jumped into the seemingly exciting world of online dating before she was actually ready.
"You've got to think are you emotionally ready to connect with someone on a dating app? You might have suffered the rejection of your husband or partner and then you have to deal with [ghosting]."
In How To Break Up Well, the Australasian head of Bumble emphasises the importance of being open-minded on dating apps.
"If you're looking for your 6'2" Aries with a holiday house in Queenstown and dark hair, you might not find him exactly."
Now, instead of browsing dating apps, Catherall checks the diary-sharing app she and her ex use for family planning.
She says it's helpful to think of co-parenting as a family business you're running together.
"As one wonderful divorce coach I interviewed said, 'You're both co-pilots. You're flying the plane and you've got to land the plane safely. How are you best going to do that?'"
As a separated parent, handing your kids over to your ex and accepting there will be part of their lives you won't ever get to see is often very difficult, Catherall says.
Christmas is one of the hardest times of year for parents on their own, especially if - like her - you're used to it being a big, fun family day.
On her first Christmas after separating from her ex, Catherall fought back tears driving home to Wellington after handing over the kids at the top of Remutaka Hill.
"It's the most terrible feeling."
Now, though, she feels very fortunate that things are amicable with her ex and their kids are doing well.
"His new wife is lovely, and my kids have been raised by us and also parents have all contributed to their lives."
During and after a separation, children need to know they're loved and supported by both parents, Catherall says, and also be protected as much as possible from conflict.
She attributes her kids' current well-being to their parents' shared belief that children's interests should always be put first.
"It breaks my heart when I see parents who embroil their kids in their own war, and it's not helpful."