To say the words "I'm not going to be coming to the Commonwealth Games" were some of the hardest White Fern Lauren Down has ever spoken.
It was the second pinnacle event in the space of six months that Down was going to miss out on, but this time it was her choice.
In late February, a week out from the start of the Women's Cricket World Cup, Down was ruled out with a fractured thumb suffered in the final match of the ODI series against India.
She had been in great form and it was tough to take when an x-ray confirmed her World Cup was over.
"It's not something that you prepare yourself for heading into that, getting a tournament ending injury," Down said.
After debuting for the White Ferns in 2018, she was looking forward to playing in her first world cup. Down went to the T20 World Cup in Australia in 2020 but didn't play.
A home world cup was going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity and something she had been working towards for a long time.
"As a teenager when I first found out that New Zealand was going to be hosting a world cup - that was my goal and I just wanted to be a part of it.
"To kind of have that dream gone ...it was certainly tough watching the first game in particular, watching the national anthem was pretty emotional for me on the sidelines."
While the results didn't go the White Ferns way Down said she was thrilled to see New Zealanders get behind them and support women's cricket.
Four months on from breaking her thumb, Down then opted out of this years other pinnacle event, the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham.
It was her choice to prioritise her well-being, but it wasn't easy.
"To even just say the words to New Zealand Cricket and to my team-mates 'I'm not going to be coming to the Commonwealth Games' it was really tough.
"But I knew it was the right decision for me. I'd only been back training about four weeks since I'd been cleared for my thumb and it just ended up becoming really overwhelming for me and I just put far too much pressure on myself to get back for the Games.
"I think at the time in my head I was thinking 'well this is the Commonwealth Games you have to go', it was such a good opportunity."
Down said in reality she wasn't mentally and physically ready to get back out on the cricket field.
The 27-year-old said it was an agonizing decision.
"But sitting here now I know 100 percent that it was the best decision for me and that I'm going to thank myself in the long run."
It means that Down is really excited about getting on a plane on Saturday with her White Ferns team-mates when they depart for a tour of the West Indies.
Last week she was named in the tour squad, along with other returnees Jess Kerr and Molly Penfold.
Prioritising enjoyment
The Auckland Hearts stalwart said withdrawing from the Commonwealth Games was made slightly easier because team-mates had already been down that path.
Captain Sophie Devine and all-rounder Amelia Kerr took some time away from the game last year to focus on their well-being.
"And then you look at wider sport in New Zealand and you see athletes prioritising themselves and I think it's really important."
Down's first approach was a phone call was with Pete Sanford, the then New Zealand Cricket's head of high performance development.
"That initial conversation was really tough but Pete was just incredible and so supportive right the way through. To come to that final decision was hard but I never felt like there was any pressure or there would there be any repercussions.
"I was really grateful for the support from New Zealand Cricket, and also the Players Association's Lesley Elvidge was just incredible. Our new head coach Ben Sawyer all the playing group were really supportive of my decision and it just made that whole process a lot easier."
Down played her first game for Auckland when she was 16 and over the last decade has seen playing opportunities for women improve rapidly.
"When I first started you would definitely say cricket was your standard summer sport and then you'd have the winter off.
"But we're seeing now with the women's game it's almost all year round with the opportunities you get so it's really exciting and it's definitely something as players we've wanted for a long time is just to get out there and play more cricket."
The White Ferns have a massive summer coming up.
They host Bangladesh in December, before departing in January for South Africa, where they will contest the Women's T20 World Cup.
Players will also get in as many games as they can in the Super Smash and Hallyburton Johnstone Shield domestic competitions.
With a full schedule comes a greater risk of fatigue but Down would encourage any athlete to knock it on the head before it gets more serious.
"I remember listening to a few stories of other New Zealand athletes saying that they needed to take some time away from the game and when they came back they just felt so much better and I can agree with that.
"I gave myself a little bit more time to physically and mentally just get my head around playing cricket again after a tough set back earlier in the year and it's really helped me."
Down has enjoyed getting back into the Auckland and White Ferns training environments again.
Down did some work with a sport psychologist around coming back into the game, and what she wants to get out of cricket.
"It's just about getting back out there and enjoying my cricket. It's something that I've learnt during this time is you really need to remember why you started the game in the first place.
"For me it was picking up the bat in the backyard with my brother and my dad and I just did that because I loved it.
"With cricket heading into that more professional era, you're playing in front of bigger crowds, you're on TV, there's more pressure but it's really important to remember why you play and for me it's because I love the game, so that's my main focus in the short term."
Down was immensely proud when the White Ferns won a bronze medal in Birmingham and said it was "massive" psychologically.
"Hopefully it's the start of a good run for the team and we can pull some successful results together over the summer and the next 12 months."
The West Indies tour comprises a three-game ODI series and a five-game T20I series in Antigua, starting 16th September.