By Velvet Winter, ABC Entertainment
Fran Kranz, Chris Hemsworth, and Anna Hutchison, starring in The Cabin in the Woods (2011). Photo: Lionsgate Inc
It's October, which means it's spooky season. But for some, October means avoiding film trailers and turning down movie night invites for fear of something too monstrous on screen.
I see you, and I understand.
Although the genre once petrified me, I can now watch films like Longlegs and Alien: Romulus in cinemas and I only cover my eyes a little bit (during the gory parts).
So if you've always wanted to dive into horror without getting the wits scared out of you, let me introduce you to the films that helped me ease into the genre. These movies might give you a jolt, but they won't keep you up at night.
There are slight SPOILERS for all the below films - better the devil you know and all that.
Escape Room & Escape Room: Tournament of Champions (1/5 scares)
What's it about: Five seemingly unrelated people are invited to a mysterious escape room with the promise of winning a bunch of cash. The twist? If you don't figure out the puzzle in time - you die!
Tournament of Champions does away with the prize money and just traps previous escapees in even more elaborate escape rooms - they recreate an entire beach indoors for one of them!!
These films are not elevated horror (although Taylor Russell acts like her life depends on it), but they are hours of nonsensical fun and amazing sets.
WARNING: Make sure you're watching the theatrical cut of Tournament of Champions, the extended cut has an entirely different, totally unnecessary wrap-around story. The ERCU (Escape Room Cinematic Universe) isn't about character development or cohesive lore - it's about the escape rooms.
Why it isn't that scary: It's Saw without the gore!
If you've ever been tempted by the intricate traps in the Saw franchise but can't stomach the viscera, then Escape Room has got you.
Both films are very soft M-ratings; there's almost no blood and most of the kills happen off-screen. This leaves you with more time to appreciate the convoluted Rube-Goldberg-esqe puzzles.
Close-your-eyes moments: A dude gets electrocuted in Tournament of Champions, but it's more cartoonish than anything.
Where to watch: Apple TV, Google TV, YouTube (to rent or buy)
Jennifer's Body (2/5 scares)
What's it about: This misunderstood classic revolves around two best friends: nerdy Needy (Amanda Seyfried) and cheerleader Jennifer (peak Megan Fox).
One night, the two gal pals barely escape a deadly bar fire, only for Jennifer to run into a danger even more scary - a group of men that still think their band can make it.
The band members attempt to use a dark magic ritual to trade the "soul of a virgin" for their band's big break.
Alas, Jennifer isn't even a backdoor virgin (her words, not mine), so the ritual instead transforms her into a succubus that needs to chomp down on local boys to keep her skin clear.
Why it isn't that scary: The script was written by Juno scribe Diablo Cody so, even when Jennifer is doing stuff like unhinging her jaw to eat boys, the dialogue is still very cute and fun.
After being woefully mis-marketed to teen boys upon release, audiences have now realised that Jennifer's Body is for the girls.
Between a plethora of tasty (pun intended) 2000s heart-throbs (Adam Brody and Kyle Gallner as heavily eye-linered emos, Johnny Simmons as the dream high school bf), Jennifer's Body is a compelling rumination on puberty, friendship and societal expectations of women.
Jennifer might be the monster but what's really scary is how easy it was for men to destroy her for their own benefit. (Don't worry, this is also dealt with in a very satisfying fashion.)
Close-your-eyes moments: There is one gnarly post-kill shot around 40 minutes in. Keep your hands close to your face when Jennifer takes poor football oaf Jonas into the woods.
Where to watch: Disney+, Apple TV, Google TV, YouTube (to rent or buy)
Freaky (3/5 scares)
What's it about: This is a teen horror take on the classic Freaky Friday trope. Except instead of a mother/daughter switch, it's awkward high-schooler Millie (Katheryn Newton) changing places with serial killer the Blissfield Butcher (Vince Vaughn).
Why it isn't that scary:Freaky is a Blumhouse film that still knows how to have fun (please Jason, no more evil pools). Director Christopher Landon also helmed the Happy Death Day series, so he's more than capable of balancing the yuks with the yuck.
Vince Vaughn as a serial killer is scary. As a 16-year-old girl, he is hilarious. And Newton can kill and wear as much red lipstick as she wants, she'll still be adorable.
Close-your-eyes moments: The Butcher being introduced in the first 10 minutes while slaughtering some horny teens in various creative ways is as bad as it gets.
Where to watch: Apple TV, Google TV, Neon Rentals, YouTube (to rent or buy)
Ready or Not (4/5 scares)
What's it about:Ready or Not centres on former foster child Grace (Aussie Samara Weaving, a 'final girl' for the ages), whom we meet on her wedding day.
She's marrying into the uber-rich Le Domas family who made their money in board games. Well, it turns out Grandpappy Le Domas actually made a deal with the Devil in exchange for their generational wealth. So, when a new member enters the family, they have to pick a game card. If that card says 'hide and seek', then the Le Domas's must kill the new member by dawn or risk losing everything.
Of course, Grace picks 'hide and seek' and thus must fight her way through her new family.
Why it isn't that scary: The Le Domas family are, to put it kindly, a bunch of bumbling idiots. They've never cleaned a toilet, let alone killed someone with a crossbow, so they don't make for very frightening villains.
Grace, on the other hand, is a powerhouse and she almost always has the upper hand over the rich fools.
Close-your-eyes moments: At one point in the film, Grace falls into a pit of corpses; there's no way of getting around it. Soon after, she puts her hand through a nail.
There are also a handful of shooting deaths that are played for laughs but a lil' gruesome nonetheless. Oh, and not to spoil the ending too much but, if it feels like people are about to blow up, trust your gut and close your eyes.
Where to watch: Disney+, Apple TV, Google TV, YouTube (to rent or buy)
Cabin in the Woods (5/5 scares)
What's it about: Exactly what it says on the tin. Five eerily stereotypical friends (including a pre-MCU Chris Hemsworth) go for a vacay to a cabin in the woods. Chaos ensues.
Also, there's an underground cabal of bureaucrats making sure chaos ensues to appease some unseen, yet very vengeful, gods.
Why it isn't that scary: On the surface, this is your regular zombie slasher horror film, so there are a couple of gross kills from yuck monsters (they keep mentioning a merman for a reason).
But the meta plot line of all the carnage being controlled by a group of pencil-pushing jabronis makes it more hilarious than frightening.
To be honest, the scariest part of the whole film is the title card jump scare at the beginning (you have been warned).
Close-your-eyes moments: In the third act, our remaining protagonists discover a zoo of sorts, which contains every horror movie villain you could possibly think of and then they all… get out. Listen for the elevator doors ping to know when you can look again.
Where to watch: Netflix, Apple TV, Google TV, Neon Rentals, YouTube (to rent or buy)
- ABC