Photo: NATASHA PSZENICKI
William Hanson doesn't make the rules, but he does enjoy them. He's one of the world's most trusted experts on good manners.
Hanson offers bite sized advice on TikTok for everything from how to eat hors d'oeuvres to negotiating small talk effortlessly. He's the Emily Post of the Instagram generation, with more than five million fans.
For Hanson, society changes but good manners are timeless, classless and priceless. He co-hosts the podcast Help! I Sexted My Boss and has released his fifth book, Just Good Manners.
He says etiquette now is quite democratic: people discover by accident, and by design, what's acceptable.
"We might have a bumpy patch, where we're sort of making mistakes, but we work out what is correct and what isn't."
RNZ Afternoons listeners fired their etiquette queries at Hanson, from toast politeness to mascara application on public transport.
Feature interview: Etiquette for the 21st century
What we asked William Hanson
What is the polite way to butter your toast?
"If you want to do it in a terribly sophisticated way, and I would say it's a lot nicer, it's a bit like a bread roll in that you have your triangle of toast, and you just break a bite-sized piece off, butter that put some jam or marmalade on and eat that, rather than slather the whole thing and gobble and go, as people often do, as they're sort of halfway out the door, one leg in a pant."
How should you refer to a new friend when you're unsure of their gender or pronouns? How rude is it to straight up ask?
"I think it's always better to ask than guess. But if you're not sure, even if they haven't shared their pronouns, or you have shared yours and they have not shared theirs back, just use their name, because their name is always correct."
Why do many people say, 'how are you?' when I know they don't really care to hear an answer? What should I say in return? And is there an alternative?
"Historically in Britain, we used to say, 'how do you do?' and that's another thing that I've dropped over time. It was just a really old-fashioned rhetorical way of saying, how are you?
"In America, they say, hey, how are you? And again, they don't really want an entire rundown of how you are. They're saying it to be polite to go through the motions and you just say, 'yeah, great, how are you?'
"Even if you have one day left to live, in any country, the correct answer is; 'yes I'm fine'."
Have texts become a suitable replacement for thank you letters or thank you notes?
"I think they have pretty much, it's a shame. A thank you text, a thank you email, is better than no thank you. If I had to pick I would rather have something on text or a phone call, an Instagram DM versus nothing, but an actual thank you letter, I think is much nicer, particularly in this very digital age - if you have a relatively decent postal service."
How should one dress for work?
"Well, it depends what your job is. If you're a lifeguard, of course, me telling you to turn up in a three-piece suit is not particularly helpful.
"I would also say for employers, slightly turning that on its head, don't be afraid to have a dress code.
"Because actually, we as humans, we sort of like rules, we might slightly rebel against it at times. But people like parameters in which to operate."
Is it ok to eat your lunch on the way back from the cafe on the street, or put your makeup on when you're on public transport on the way to work?
"I'm not in favour of that. That is, I'm afraid, where I draw the line. Certainly, eating on the go is not good for digestion, you'll put on weight, it's bad for you, you'll get heartburn, indigestion. There's no positive that comes from eating whilst you walk. A breath mint, perhaps is okay. But other than that, try to be static and seated for when you eat. It also just looks inelegant as well.
"I watch people put on their mascara on the London Underground. And I just think they deserve a medal, because, it moves at such great speed and jolts and stops and breaks, how they don't get mascara all up their faces. I don't know."
Is it ok to wear trainers?
"Fine for the gym and sportswear, and maybe dashing to the supermarket or something like that."
Long voice notes - the protocol?
"I don't mind voice notes. I quite like them. I would say after two or three minutes … there is a meme that goes around saying, that's not a voice note, that's a podcast.
"I think you need to be careful. You need to be succinct."
How do you handle a tricky guest with a long list of dietary requirements?
"Either, 'can you tell me what you can eat and I can prepare something separate', or 'why don't you bring your own food?' And I think people need to remember that a dinner party is not solely about the food. It is about the atmosphere and the conversation.
"If the food and drink is good on top of that, fantastic, but the food only really needs to be passable."