Graeme McCullough says it's taken decades for him to realise the abuse he suffered is what happened to him - it's not who he is. Photo: RNZ / Jimmy Ellingham
This story discusses details of suicide and abuse that some people may find upsetting.
As the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care delivers its findings to the governor-general, a survivor of abuse is busy using his experience to help others. Graeme McCullough was abused at Epuni Boys' Home and, as he tells Jimmy Ellingham, what he went through in his nine months there has shaped the next 50 years.
From the outside he appeared a successful businessman.
After he left the fire service he worked for an oil company before a move to fledging airline Ansett NZ, where he was duty airport manager at Wellington and then regional manager in Palmerston North. Next, he set up a coffee distribution company.
There were overseas trips and he even met the Queen. He was a rotarian and a family man - married with children.
But Graeme McCullough was carrying a secret about his past, and he was convinced his colleagues or friends would find out the truth and think less of him.
Much of what he felt is today called impostor syndrome, but it was more than that.
McCullough describes it as self-sabotage when his life was going well. On those occasions doubts would creep in that he was out of his depth or about to be found out and he would move on, for no good reason.
"I always thought I was a less-than-normal person, or substandard. That was what was instilled into me by the guy who was abusing me," he says.
That guy was Alan Moncrieff-Wright, a house master at Epuni in Lower Hutt.
McCullough spent nine months in Epuni as an 11-year-old when his parents were having a hard time. He's not sure why he was sent there, as his siblings went to stay with relatives. His childhood was otherwise relatively normal, but that seemingly short period took a continuous toll.
Moncrieff-Wright was later convicted and jailed on rape and sexual violation charges against other boys and is now dead, but McCullough says he felt his presence for almost 50 years.
"It's ridiculous that you can be 63 years old and those nine months of my life have basically ruined my life. I still made a go of things, but at every turn, when things were going well, he seemed to appear.
"I spoke with a survivor and said that he lived rent-free in my head for 47 years, and how could I allow that to happen?" McCullough says.
"I had no choice. I had no control over that. He was in my head every day. I'm pleased to say he's not there every day [now], but he still walks with me."
For a few years Moncrieff-Wright was in the news as he went through court, and McCullough even received a call from police asking about Epuni. He didn't engage with them though - he wasn't ready to tell anyone.
McCullough vowed to take his secret to the grave. The one time he tried speaking about it, when he told his parents in the 1970s, he received a hiding for attention seeking. His parents, like most of that generation, trusted authority and didn't think something like that would happen.
But then in 2017-18 news of the Royal Commission was everywhere, grating against his feelings of denial.
"I couldn't hide it any more," he says.
"I had to face it and I didn't like the consequences of that, so taking my life was better than telling people about it - which is kind of the reserve of what I'm doing now."
Now, McCullough's a peer support worker. He's with the SafeMan SafeFamily, an organisation trying to end the cycle of domestic violence.
It offers men a chance to talk through whether they're OK and try to pick a way forward if their lives aren't right.
McCullough holds men's groups and often drives around the North Island from his Palmerston North home to meet men, talking to them and sometimes simply listening to their stories. He also regularly speaks to groups, including Rotary, about his life.
He's come a long way from six years ago, when he was getting the shakes uncontrollably, and drinking bourbon heavily.
In 2018 he shut his business and made an attempt at suicide.
There have been dark times since, including time in acute care and further suicidal thoughts, but one thing that has changed is McCullough deciding he can't hide what happened to him any more, nor carry that burden alone as if it were his fault.
"I [had] 47 years of pretending I was OK when I was clearly not OK and I don't want to have those feelings again. I don't want to have to wake up with that feeling ever again," he says.
"I thought I was doing the right thing for my family and they would be better off if I wasn't here. I realise now that's not true, but I'd convinced myself the best thing for me was to not be here.
"I realise that I was expecting people to help me, but I hadn't told them what I needed help with, so I convinced myself that nobody could help me."
During his recovery McCullough decided he needed to go back to Epuni for the first time since he was abused there.
The home shut for a while but reopened in 2001 as an Oranga Tamariki facility.
When McCullough turned up back at Riverside Drive he had no idea about this.
"For some reason I believed that it would be closed. I was hoping against hope that the building would be gone and that it would either be a playing field or maybe a housing complex.
"When I turned up at the site to find not only was Epuni Boys' Home still standing but it was still operating as a facility... I have to be honest, I was shocked, physically shaking."
He drove along the road and sat there for more than an hour, frozen. McCullough says he thinks it should be gone given its history.
One turning point came when McCullough met fellow Epuni survivor Keith Wiffin
The pair were there about the same time but don't recall each other. McCullough says their initial meeting was for him to say sorry for not supporting Wiffin and other survivors in the prosecution of Moncrieff-Wright.
"When I was fortunate enough to meet him in 2018-19 I was able to apologise to him for not being brave enough to stand up like he did."
McCullough says he went into their 30-minute coffee meeting still believing he wouldn't be around when he was 60.
The pair chatted for three hours and they left with McCullough inviting Wiffin to his 60th birthday.
"That was kind of the start of my recovery," McCullough says.
"He gave me permission to be OK, but more than that was I gave myself permission to be OK."
That's not to say he's not vulnerable now, and McCullough is also often the confidant for people to tell him of their abuse - sometimes he's the first and only one they'll open up to.
"By opening that door it allows them to hopefully talk about what happened to them and we can navigate what possibilities and what options are for them," he says.
"What I felt was that I was sexually abused, and that was not good and that was all I was.
"It's embarrassing to say 50-plus years later that I've only just started to realise that's what happened to me - it's not all of me.
"But a lot of my decision-making and my actions revolved around that low self-esteem, lack of self-worth and just not feeling I belonged in a space.
"That dominated my life."
As for the Royal Commission's work, for which he made a statement, McCullough says he's not interested personally in financial recompense.
If money comes the way of survivors he'd like his family to pick a holiday destination and he'll take them.
He'd also like to see some sort of care package for survivors, so redress isn't just financial. And he'll closely watch the expected apology to make sure it's meaningful for him and the thousands of others abused in state care.
Where to get help:
Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7) or text 4202
Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)
Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz
What's Up: free counselling for 5 to 19 years old, online chat 11am-10.30pm 7days/week or free phone 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 11am-11pm Asian Family Services: 0800 862 342 Monday to Friday 9am to 8pm or text 832 Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm. Languages spoken: Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Hindi, Gujarati, Marathi and English.
Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254
Healthline: 0800 611 116
Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
OUTLine: 0800 688 5463 (6pm-9pm)
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
Sexual Violence
Victim Support 0800 842 846
Rape Crisis 0800 88 33 00
HELP Call 24/7 (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655 - push 0 at the menu
Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) 022 344 0496
Family Violence
Women's Refuge:(0800 733 843
It's Not OK 0800 456 450
Shine: 0508 744 633
Victim Support: 0800 842 846
HELP Call 24/7 (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655 - push 0 at the menu
The National Network of Family Violence Services NZ has information on specialist family violence agencies.