After writing about the emails she's received over the past 10 weeks in response to Diabetes and Me, Megan Whelan shares some tips on how to handle those friendly people who insist they know your body better than you do.
Photo: RNZ / Rebekah Parsons-King
Last week's column struck a nerve.
Sharing some of the unsolicited diet advice I've received while writing about my diabetes, and how it makes me feel, led to a flurry of correspondence.
Some people really wanted me to know they were just trying to help. Many of you emailed and messaged to say, "it's the worst."
Lots of you said that you don't know what to do when it happens. That you want to say something, but you don't know how.
The first step is probably to ask yourself, "why is this person asking me this question, or offering this advice?" Are they a doctor you've sought out for help? Are they a loved one who wants you to be around for a long time, and even though their advice might be dubious, they're coming from a loving place? They might be worth listening to.
Are they strangers? Particularly if the medium is internet-based, this might be a cue that they don't know you well enough to heed their advice. Or that while it may be useful, you should make sure it fits your particular circumstances and needs. Are they a second cousin twice removed who read this thing in a magazine one time? It might be deeply valuable information, but perhaps not tailored to your specific health.
A resource I find helpful, which admittedly was created for different circumstances, is journalist Ann Friedman's Disapproval Matrix. About once a week, I think to myself "do they care about my success, and/or do they know what they are talking about?" And then I base my reaction - or I try to at least - on that. I can't teach you how not to care about the mean comments (I think being hurt by someone saying mean things to you is a pretty normal human reaction) but it's a useful framework for understanding how much they matter.
When it comes to my diabetes, the questions are similar. Does the person have some expertise, which includes at least some knowledge of the context of my diabetes (my overall health, my life, my goals, how many times a week I snap and eat carbs instead of, in my therapist's words "feeling my feelings".) And are they interested in me managing, or even reversing my diabetes, or do they just want to sell me a product?
So, because I have honed these over many years, some tips for handling the intrusive questions and unnecessary advice. Or: My Guide to Handling Aunties. (No shade to aunties. I am one, and we are the best people in the world.)
Some of these might also be applicable to other social situations, like when someone asks when you're getting married or having babies.
When they ask about your HBA1c, your blood sugars, how much you weigh.
"What an interesting question. Why do you ask?"
This is great for turning around on people and asking why they are so interested in your personal health information. But over the past several months, it has also led me to some brilliant conversations where people have confessed that they are also worried about their health, but they don't know what to do about it.
When they tell you about this book that they read that was on the bestseller list.
"Yes, I've read it."
Or, "I have had X condition for [time]. Would you not assume I've read the popular literature?"
Even if you haven't, challenge the assumption that you're not the expert in your own health needs.
When they insist on continuing to talk about it.
"Actually the medication I am on causes..."
Not for the faint of heart, but a frank discussion of some of the more unpleasant side effects might be enough for more polite people to hastily change the subject.
When they heard something on the radio about yoga being good for diabetes.
"Can you send me the peer-reviewed literature on that?"
"Citation needed" is popular internet parlance for "no, but do you have any evidence to back up that statement you just made."
When they ask if you should "really eat that?"
"Do you have shares in a food tracking app, or are you just nosy?" Or, "I need carbohydrates to fuel my body and brain." (Or whatever food you happen to be eating."
The dreaded "have you lost weight?"
I have to admit, I really struggle with this one - it's a topic for a whole column. But I usually go with "Why is that something you need to know?" or "Well, I am feeling great, which is what matters."
When they insist they know more than you and all your doctors.
"Huh. You're really busy. When did you find time to get a medical degree on top of everything else?"
It is probably a character flaw that I am inclined to sarcasm, even in the face of people who are well-meaning, who probably really do want to help. And a little "you know, I really don't want to talk about this" is always a possibility.
I try to remember that we're all soaking in diet culture and beauty standards and a world where health and wellness have all become really confused.
People probably really do want to help, and if you can try to be curious about why, you might get to know someone a little better.