Phillipa Brown was soaring in popularity as an international singer and songwriter, under the stage name Ladyhawke, but the toll of her career has left her with deep scars and nearly destroyed her life as a musician.
A shy and introverted drummer from Wairarapa, Brown couldn't wait to leave the city to quench her burning passion to do music, something that was her "solace from everything".
But making her first record, self-titled Ladyhawke (2008), left her feeling so broken that she almost didn't come back for a second.
"I have such trauma from it, especially some crazy experiences that happened to me early on with label people and managers ... it was just so traumatising and so like awful to go through. It traumatised my parents because it got to them as well, like this is stuff that I'm still working through to this day," Brown told Anika Moa on the latest episode of the RNZ podcast It's Personal.
"It's been hard, and it nearly ended me and my career. I was ready to turn my back on it."
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Whether it be being asked to wear dresses and heels or pushing out a different style of music, the electro-pop star felt like she didn't fit the vision her then-agency had for her but also felt chastised for speaking up.
"I found myself fighting and I always felt like the baddie, like 'oh I'm difficult because I don't want to do these things'.
"I felt like nobody listened to me. It was so hard, and then my only sort of like escape was partying and drinking, like honestly, I just disappeared into that world.
"I was so naïve and I didn't know anything about that side of the music industry, I didn't have anyone helping me when it came to that side of things.
"I just always made music with friends ... but then all of a sudden it was like, oh there's all this hype around you and you've got to make a record ... I was so excited about it, but it was just brutal. Some sessions were like, I got told I was s--t, you know, like my confidence just got pounded into the ground."
Musician Ladyhawke, aka Pip Brown, joins Anika Moa in studio for season two of It's Personal. Photo: RNZ / Cole Eastham-Farrelly
Returning with her 2012 album Anxiety, she unleashed her hurt and anger.
"People slammed my second record when it came out, but I needed to make a dark record ... I felt like a work horse, I was never given a break, the mental and emotional abuse I was suffering everyday was just horrendous."
There have been fond memories for Brown along the way too. She recalls her tour with the The Ting Tings around the UK in 2009, where she realised her popularity was climbing.
"I remember the last show was in London and something had happened to the venue ... it had been raining and something shorted out and the all the power went out.
"I was standing in my green room and my managers walked in and they had something rectangle shaped wrapped up and they were smiling and they were like 'we thought it was a good time to give you these', they gave me gold records, and I was like I'd never seen anything like that in my life. ... I've never forgotten that."
She also remembers the "sea of people" who were cheering her on when she performed on the Woodsies stage, one of the largest stages at Glastonbury Festival.
"I was tearing up on stage, I was so overwhelmed, there were people holding up inflatable sheeps like 'yeeeah, go Kiwi!' New Zealand flags were being waved."
Although she still sometimes thinks about giving up, she's decided not to let the haters win and is onto a fifth album, where she's surrounded herself with a trustworthy and small team. She will be collaborating with Nick Littlemore, who helped her debut under the Teenager band, and hopes to get Auckland duo SACHI on the record too.
"Something I've learnt is like when it comes to the music industry, you need to have all your wits about you and I think you need to assume everybody's out to screw you over until they prove you differently, because that's how it seems to work out every time.
"I wish I'd known that back when I was starting out and I wish I'd been suspicious of everybody, I was too trusting, I trusted everyone and I was just led down the garden path."
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