How to play happy families at Christmas, even when you’re not

By Sarah Catherall

Christmas Day can be one of the hardest times of year for many separated parents who must share their kids for part of the day or don't see them at all.

Rachel Archer, an Auckland interior designer, is one of the estimated one million New Zealanders in a single-parent household.

Forget opening the presents with the kids and then tucking them into bed later that night, when they're exhausted from the day: it has been three years since Archer has been woken by her son and daughter as they rip open gifts left by Santa. Her children spend the night of Christmas Eve with their father, then join her and her family in Taranaki on Christmas Day.

"Christmas is tough because it amplifies the feeling of being alone," Archer says.

"Even though I am surrounded by family, I am on my own.

"It's expensive and it's tiring. As adults we try to portray to our kids that Christmas is a wonderful time of the year, but as single mothers it's stressful and lonely.''

She also finds the extended school holidays difficult and can only manage thanks to support from her mother.

"I only have one week off as I have to save my leave for the other school holidays throughout the year,'' she says.

Divorce coach Kimberlee Sweeney says Christmas and the long school holidays can be a tricky time for parents who don't live in the same household. Typically, most co-parenting families split Christmas Day in half - Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent, and then Christmas afternoon and evening with the other parent. Or they might alternate who gets the kids on Christmas morning each year. Sometimes parenting orders set by the Family Court dictate who does what on Christmas Day.

"Generally, the first few Christmases after a break-up can be a bit stressful or lonely, but after a while, everyone gets used to it, and life goes on. There is definitely loneliness on Christmas Day obviously when you don't have your children, but I encourage clients to plan their own lovely day with extended family or friends or other people so they're not alone,'' she says.

Trevarr McCarthy, a disability support services worker, has a parenting order with his ex which stipulates they alternate Christmas Day. Their two daughters get to video chat the other parent - this year, that will be him as his daughters will be with their mother.

McCarthy will have Christmas day with his family, and he will see his daughters for a night on Boxing Day, and then again from 29 December for five days.

He finds the holiday season generally tough. When he has his daughters (their co-parenting arrangement is the same throughout the year, holidays or not), he still has to work and pay for their school holiday programmes.

"Times without my kids are really difficult. I can end up just sitting at home by myself a lot doing nothing and feeling lonely. I try to catch up with family and friends and go for walks or bike rides at other times. I also try to do some art or read. Basically, anything to take my mind off the fact the kids aren't here during the holidays.''

But Whangārei-based author Michael Botur is not particularly fazed about Christmas Day and is happy to see his two children the week before Christmas.

"I don't treat the day as being that special that I have to see them. It's a privilege having them a week before to myself,'' he says.

They do week on week off throughout the year, even in the holidays, and he tries to make his time with the kids a lot of fun.

His first Christmas after his separation in 2019 was tough, but it has got easier each year. Last Christmas, he took his children aged 12 and 10 hiking.

"I'm friends with a lot of people who are separated from their partners, and they feel differently about the time depending on what Christmas means to them.''

How to survive Christmas as a separated parent

Kimberlee Sweeney has the following advice for split families over the festive season.

• Ideally, communicate with your ex about plans for Christmas Day by early November so everyone can make plans. Talk about who has the kids when, what time is change over, whether you'll buy gifts for the children separately (and what you'll buy) or whether you'll buy gifts together.
• Take the kids shopping to buy a Christmas gift for their other parent; they love to give you both presents from them, and it helps them feel connected to both parents if you can show up for them this way.
• If you're without your kids part or all of Christmas Day, plan to spend the day with family or friends so you're not alone or as sad. It does get easier as years go by.
• If you prefer to be alone, buy your favourite drinks and foods and treat yourself to your own Christmas feast. Relax and enjoy the down time, or volunteer at a food bank or local church group in your community on Christmas Day.
• If you are feeling low over the festive period, take time to journal, meditate, go out for walks, have some daily affirmations. Try not to over-indulge in alcohol. Self-care is vital when you aren't feeling yourself, it's a time to rest and recuperate before they return home to you.
• Don't let your kids see you upset not being with them on Christmas Day. Let them enjoy the day and not be worrying about you.
• During the long summer holidays, consider rearranging childcare arrangements so you can each spend extended holidays away with the kids, or switch to week or fortnight about if you usually do half the week each.