Natasha Frost weighs in on this week's episodes of The Bachelor NZ.
Photo: The Bachelor NZ
There are only seven girls left; six episodes (assuming no one throws a wobbly and flounces out); six nail-biting cocktail parties; and only one winner.
Surely by now we should be more hooked, more in love with the Bachelor, more invested in which woman we wanted to see in his Instagram photos for the months to come.
At this point in the series last year, women were rioting in the streets for love of Art Green, setting fire to restaurants that didn’t offer gluten-free paleo alternatives, and tagging his name on motorway bridges up and down the country.
But Jordan Mauger? No cigar.
At the very least, people waiting at the bus stop should be describing him as ‘growing on them’, or cooing sweet nothings, like, ‘His eyes aren’t as close together as they look in the publicity snap.’ If you listen very carefully, there’s not even a peep from the Twitter chorus about his good looks or eligibility.
In Tuesday night’s episode, Ceri described Jordan as her ideal man, but New Zealand has spoken (sort of), and we don’t agree.
This is a man whose Instagram bio reads ‘Capturer of moments . Here, there and everywhere .’ (sic). A man who describes a date as 'an avalanche of romance.'
Failing to fall in love with Jordan en masse isn’t the only reason why this season keeps hitting a bum note. What is particularly irksome is the way he keeps getting rid of the good ones.
First Danielle, booted for having fun - too much fun, too much levity, too much raw, goggle-eyed enthusiasm.
Then Shari, MS Paint’s answer to Picasso; ‘film buff’ troll extraordinaire (“Bill Murray? Who?”); genuine, real life Funny Person. If you’re reading this, Shari, I’m happy to write that as a testimonial on your LinkedIn profile any time you like.
Then Sarah, for being scared of heights.
These are not good reasons to not go out with someone. Not really liking abseiling doesn’t mean you won’t take a leap of faith for ~tRuE lOvE~. Knowing how to tell a joke doesn’t mean you aren’t taking it seriously. What’s more, it makes Jordan look a little bit like one of those men who finds funny women, (which is to say, women with opinions, wit, a brain,) a bit of a threat to their masculinity.
Cast your mind back to Art Green and his burgeoning romance with Matilda ‘Matty’ Rice, this time last year. The editing kept her best material from reaching the audience, but in virtually every one of those little interviews, Art would yammer and yammer on about how terrifically funny Matilda was; her quirky sense of humour; her mad jokes and japes.
Photo: The Bachelor NZ
By comparison, Jordan seems mostly interested in women who talk a lot about how much they like him, how great he is, how strong their connection is. It might make for good narrative structure in the show, but will it really sustain them through months upon months of chatter across the breakfast table?
And then Rebecca. Gone. (I am slightly sore about this because I was pretty sure that she was going to win.) Gone.
She tells him that her thesis is on reality television; that she loves it; that she’s looking to meet the right person. She acknowledges that it is a strange situation.
Jordan ‘me, me, me’ Mauger responds in typically nuanced fashion: “I’m not subject matter, am I? Is she studying me? Is she studying all the girls?” The word ‘studying’ steeped in scepticism and horror - the fact that she’s let slip that there’s a brain between her ears is a one-way-ticket out of Queensland. Adieu, Rebecca. Nice knowing you.
There are good ones left in the house. There really are. (See also: heart eyes emoji, Naz.) But as long as Jordan keeps getting rid of the ones who might be funnier than him, or cleverer than him, the premise of the show - that this is a very, very eligible man, worth being fawned over by 23 accomplished and beautiful women - falls flat on its face.
Both Monday night and Tuesday night’s episodes began with Jordan leading a presumably borrowed dog through long grass, stick at the ready, master of the estate. On Tuesday night, it was a white horse. You don’t have to look very hard for the Prince Charming metaphor, but at the moment, it feels as though he’s failing to come up with the goods.
Going home: Sarah, Rebecca
Pick to win: Gab
Single Date: Storm, Gab.
In trouble: Kate