Photo: Supplied
By Alexia Santamaria
Five local funny people tell us their best Christmas joke that's safe for all the family. Will they improve on the classically bad ones found in Christmas crackers? You be the judge.
Justine Smith: 'Always room for some sassy feminism around the table'
Award-winning stand-up comedian Justine Smith is a familiar face on 7 Days and The Project.
"The joke that I've chosen is close to my heart, and I would suggest serving it at dessert time in case people feel the need to break into a dance."
Q: Who is Rudolph's favourite pop star?
A: Beyonsleigh!
"Amongst the laughter, after delivering this fantastic joke, I imagine doing the 'Single Ladies' shimmy into the kitchen to get the trifle," Smith says.
"Always room for some sassy feminism around the table and a little bit of theatre always helps the delivery of any joke. People can't help but laugh if you look like you're enjoying the telling of it."
Tarun Mohanbhai: 'Make sure it has a punchline that people can relate to'
Tarun Mohanbhai is a stand-up comedian, well-known MC, corporate performer and established comedy writer. You'll have seen him on TV, performing and even appearing in the odd ad.
"This joke has come from AI which I suspect is someone's stolen intellectual property," he says.
"Christmas cracker jokes are often things that make people cringe on Christmas Day but are also the thing that connect people with the commonality of their distaste. The joke I chose is one Siri told me, and no doubt been hijacked from a cracker."
Q: What do you give a Christmas tree with bad breath?
A: Orna-mints!
"I like its cruel intentions of giving someone a present for something that is often not spoken about within social constructs. The best way to tell a Christmas joke - or any joke for that matter, I guess - is to make sure it has a punchline that people can relate to."
Donna Brookbanks: 'Isn't that a good one?'
Donna Brookbanks is an actor, comedian and writer who has been nominated for the Billy T Comedy Award twice (not with this joke, she'd like to stress).
"My family loves a good pun, and this is just the kind of joke that would get us giggling around the Christmas ham-based dinner table. The more you groan at a joke in my family, the better the joke is. Or, at least, that's what my dad reckons."
Q: What did Santa say when he asked Mrs Claus about the weather?
A: It looks like rein-deer.
The secret to telling a good joke is saying, 'Isn't that a good one?' and laughing heartily at the end, Brookbanks says.
"Then other people will - even if they don't get it or think it's particularly funny. Otherwise, propose a 'cheers' before the joke and make sure your 'audience' has a good gulp of wine first."
Jamaine Ross: 'If nobody laughs at your joke, laugh at it yourself'
Jamaine Ross, well-known on the stand-up circuit as 'the Māori guy with the beard and the hat' is also a member of sketch comedy trio Frickin Dangerous Bro and works in television as an editor, writer, director and on-screen talent (7 Days, Mean Mums, Guy Montgomery's Spelling Bee, Raised By Refugees).
As a super-creative guy, he naturally made up his own joke.
"I like it cos it's way too wordy for a silly pun. Something about overly complicated jokey jokes makes me laugh."
Q: At Christmas time, tangata whenua kiss their whaiāipo underneath which species of non-native plant?
A: Mistle-tauiwi!
Like others, he says you have to commit to telling a good joke.
"Pretend it's a really good joke. Feel free to backtrack afterwards, but your first telling has to be with full confidence.
"Also, if nobody laughs at your joke, laugh at it yourself, cos then at least someone's enjoying themselves."
Te Radar: 'Always ensure you read a joke before delivering it'
Comedian and documentary maker Te Radar has been gracing our screens and comedy events since he first appeared on the scene in 1994. His pick is an actual cracker joke he chanced upon last Christmas and can't wait to retell this year.
"It's so stupid, it's brilliant, and it totally fulfils the seasonal prerequisite to be Christmas-themed, and have enough witty wordplay so it elicits that mandatory groan - it's great for aiding digestion."
Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even!
His advice for delivering great humour on the 25th: "Always ensure you read a joke before delivering it and deliver it with the confidence that it's the best joke you have ever told - no matter how bad it might be.
"Debate continues as to whether the listener should try to guess the answer or use the ritualistic repetition of the question: 'I don't know… how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?' Trying to guess can be fun - but not if it derails the joy of the teller's reveal."