Former All Black prop Carl Hayman has been diagnosed with early onset dementia and probable chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) at the age of 41.
Carl Hayman played 45 tests for the All Blacks. Photo: Photosport
Hayman told Dylan Cleaver's The Bounce that he's been struggling with head related issues since retiring in 2015.
"I spent several years thinking I was going crazy. At one stage that's genuinely what I thought. It was the constant headaches and all these things going on that I couldn't understand," Hayman said.
Those thoughts and symptoms led to Hayman abusing alcohol, having suicidal thoughts.
He ended up receiving a suspended prison sentence in France after admitting to charges of domestic violence.
Hayman, who now lives in Taranaki, told The Bounce he's joined 150 other players, including former England international Steve Thompson, who are suing World Rugby for failing to protect players from the risks caused by concussions and sub-concussions.
Thompson has said he no memories from the 2003 World Cup in Australia and claimed he suffers from memory lapses, anxiety and panic attacks.
Hayman said, "I'm 41, I've still got a massive part of my life ahead of me and when you live with something like this it certainly makes every day a challenge."
Hayman, who played 46 tests for New Zealand and played in England and France post All Blacks career, was reluctant to have his brain examined and initially declined offers, but he changed his mind after thinking about how he could help current and future players avoid the same fate.
"I um'd and ah'd for about 12 months about whether I'd do anything about it and find out if something was wrong with me, or whether I would just get on with life and hope for the best. I went to the doctors here before I went to the UK but the process seemed like it was going to take a long time and I was getting to the point where I needed answers," he said.
"It would be pretty selfish of me to not speak up and talk about my experience when I could help a guy in New Zealand perhaps who doesn't understand what's happening to him and has no support network to lean on."
Hayman told The Bounce that he also joined the lawsuit in the hope it might open up access to any future treatments that could help with dementia.
"The other side is to hope that players of the future don't fall into the same trap I did - that they're not treated like an object and are looked after better.
"These younger aspiring players need to know what they're getting into and there needs to be more support and monitoring around head injuries and workloads if they do decide to play professionally.
"I've even come across people who have been affected having just played school and university-level rugby, so it's a conversation that needs to be happening with parents and teenagers at the very start."
Hayman told The Bounce changes desperately need to be made to rugby's calendar. He's in favour of a shorter season and aligned international windows.
"When I first started playing pro rugby I remember having a Players' Association meeting and the conversation was all about having a global window and a shorter season. We're still having the same conversations about rugby now. There's a number of changes we can and have to make to help protect the players of the future.
"I look at the NFL again and they have a 17-game season across four-to-five months with the possibility of a couple of playoff games. You compare that to rugby with a 10-month season.
"There needs to be a discussion about what constitutes an acceptable volume of rugby."
He describes playing in Europe and some of the regrets he has.
"Basically, if I was fit and available, I was on the field," he says. "There were times that I probably shouldn't have played but it was expected - like when I had a root nerve anti-inflammatory injection in my neck during the week and was back on the pitch at the weekend. They worked us hard and I never complained. It was my job and I was paid well, but I doubt it did any favours.
"The headaches were the start, and they were something that kept getting worse over time. Waking up daily with a constant headache at various levels that never really goes away.
"I started having substantial memory issues. I was trying to get a passport for my son and I couldn't remember his middle name, which was a significant moment. I was searching around for it in my mind for a good 25 seconds and had to go, 'I'm really sorry, I've forgotten', to the person on the phone trying to do the passport. 'I've forgotten my son's name'.
"I had temper issues, definitely, and then at this point of my life, it led down the track to what I'd consider alcohol abuse. I always enjoyed a beer with the boys but at this point I began drinking more. I didn't know what was going on and the drinking brought a little bit of an escape for a certain amount of time. It would temporarily alleviate the symptoms somewhat but then, as you can imagine, the next day things would be back to how they felt before, if not worse. It was a vicious cycle I got caught in."
"As time has gone on it has become more apparent what the symptoms are that are related to the CTE injuries: memory loss, anxiety, anger, depression and alcohol abuse. Recently I have had head spins, and get tongue-tied and find it difficult to find the right words in the first place."
Where to get help:
Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7) or text 4202
Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)
Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email talk@youthline.co.nz
What's Up: online chat (3pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 helpline (12pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-11pm weekends)
Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)
Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254
Healthline: 0800 611 116
Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
OUTLine: 0800 688 5463 (6pm-9pm)
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.