Kane Williamson in T20i beige. Photo: Photosport
Dear Kane,
I appreciate you've got a bit on your plate at the moment, but thought I'd be a bit cheeky and ask you a favour.
Please, oh please, can you and the lads all find a way to absolutely snot the Australians this week?
I'd prefer 3-0, hopefully with a couple of thrashings where Tim Southee and or Trent Boult rip them apart and maybe a massive hundred from Martin Guptill on the way to 100-run pantsing.
I'll take 2-1, but go down fighting in the loss and please make sure at least one of the wins is BIG.
I need this Kane, a lot of us do.
We've got convict cobbers with their sunscreen-soaked fingers just waiting to send us gloating texts.
Yes, we can give them grief about their rugby team, but that just feels like stomping on roadkill now.
We need the Chappell-Hadlee trophy, Kane. I know you and the lads want it, but we NEED it.
And the Aussies don't even care about it. Seriously, we could sneak it out of their trophy cabinet and they wouldn't even notice. It's probably at the back gathering dust.
We'll knock off the Players' Association Master Agreement and unsold Super Smash tickets off David White's desk and chuck it dead centre if you win it back.
Without Davey Warner, Steve Smith and Usman Khawaja, these Aussies look less true-blue and more baby-blue so now's your chance.
They've already got their sights set on their Indian summer, hot curries, mental crowds and being spun out for spit by the two Ravis.
Yes, there will still be a couple of the good ones coming over and yes the replacements are likely to be a pretty handy, but this is our chance, ahem, your chance.
This is the chance to make up some of the ground lost in the 3-0 drubbing in Australia before Christmas.
They hardly wanted to play us then and smoked us. It was hard to watch Kane. Yes, I know it was probably hard to play in, too, but did your Aussie mates taunt you? Mine did.
"You really were a one-man band with McCullum weren't you," they said.
"Some of these blokes would struggle to play shield cricket," another added.
It hurt, Kane. It always hurts, even when I point out their race relations history, border control issues or the fact coach Darren Lehmann was in the middle of his test playing career the last time they won the Bledisloe.
Imagine the grief we'll get if they beat us, at home, with their two best batsman out.
So, if it's not too much to ask, I want a bit of confidence, a bit of bravado this series please, Kane.
Have a quiet word to Tim and Trent for us would you. See if we can have some 2015 Cricket World Cup form. Those guys were superb and while they obviously bowled well, their confidence seemed to radiate throughout the squad and intimidate the opposition.
And there's every reason to be confident. Guppy's eye problem where he sees white balls like beach balls seems to be in full swing and a middle order featuring - hopefully - yourself, Ross Taylor, Neil Broom then Colin Munro has a nice balance of experience and power.
Mitchell Santner was our best over there with the ball he seems to be continuing to get better which reminds me. Bowl yourself. Do it. Baz would have bowled you, just saying.
These are a big three games for you boys Kane; a series win here would not only continue the wave of form started with Pakistan and Bangladesh, but also put us back in the conversation of who the best ODI teams in the world are.
And, between you and me, there's a feeling out here among the supporters that there's a bit of a mental block when it comes to playing these blokes. A win here would go some way to undoing that while a loss would… well… make me even more scared of them.
It doesn't mean anything to them Kane, but it means everything to us.
Please, Kane. Please.
Yours nervously.
- The Black Caps have won only seven of their last 20 completed ODIs against Australia dating back to the end of 2007, but if you look at just games played in New Zealand, the numbers make banter with an Aussie mate easier.
- Six of the last 10 ANZAC ODIs in New Zealand have gone to the good guys while the convicts have lost four of the last five.
Follow live scoring of today's Chappell-Hadlee one-day series against Australia from 11am at rnz.co.nz
*Matt Richens has been a sports writer for 11 years and has a deep-seated fear of the Australian Cricket team.