By Amberleigh Jack*
Why does it feels so good? And - importantly - is there a polite way to switch from yes to no when end-of-year obligations overwhelm? Photo: Unsplash
Opinion - I regularly cancel plans. It almost seemed a personal dig when I was tasked with writing about reneging on social obligations.
I'm not alone, though. A scroll through social media (maybe once you've donned those home pants after flaking on the night's party) will indicate enough people find enough joy in eleventh-hour stay-home plans - they're making memes about it.
RNZ spoke to Umbrella Wellbeing clinical psychologist Dougal Sutherland for the low down on abandoning plans, why it feels so good and - importantly - if there's a polite way to switch from yes to no when end-of-year obligations overwhelm.
It does appear more common in recent years, he suggests. It is a trend that likely comes down to the effortless ease - compared to a decade or two earlier - of backing out of an RSVP.
You no longer need to face the person you're bailing on in person or on the phone. It takes a moment to send a message or change a "yes" to a "no" on Facebook.
It's easier, says Sutherland. But you can also "remain a bit faceless".
Christchurch-based Sanura Jones, 30, is a serial canceller. She's been off work since a spinal fusion in May, and an earlier surgery in 2018 kept her out of work for a year.
"With me being home a lot [recently], my anxiety has risen," she says.
Sanura Jones is a serial canceller. Photo: Supplied
"And when it does come time to catch up with my friends, I feel like my life has been put on pause."
There's no judgement from her social circle, and when she does make it out, she has a good time (sometimes leading to grand plans for future catch-ups), but she sees her friends doing "great, magnificent things" while her own life feels "stagnant".
That anxiety builds in the "getting ready" phase - often leading to a last-minute text, a believable excuse and a decision to stay home.
And anyone familiar with having penned that "sorry" message will likely be familiar with the feeling of satisfaction that comes next.
That relief, says Sutherland, could be a little dopamine hit - either from dreading cancelling but finally getting it over with, or simply getting out of leaving the house.
But he warns that dopamine is a "morally neutral substance". That sense of relief doesn't necessarily mean you've done the "right" thing.
"It just means that you've escaped doing something you weren't keen on anyway."
Clinical psychologist Dougal Sutherland. Photo: sueallmanpeople ©2016
For Jones, that feeling often comes with a twinge of missing out on gossip and adventure. Plus, she fears "my friends will just stop inviting me to stuff".
The effect your cancelling has on your social circle largely depends on the event's significance, Sutherland says. Ditch a casual weekly group hang for a night in? You're likely fine. Your friend's wedding after RSVPing yes? People will notice.
But if you consistently make plans without following through, "don't be surprised if those social invites over time start to dry up a bit".
An easy fix would be to simply not say yes to things we won't attend, right?
Again, says Sutherland, it comes back to simplicity. As easy as it's become to cancel, it's just as effortless to "click yes" without thinking through.
"We perhaps overcommit, and do it much more spontaneously and impulsively than if we have to look at our diary or calendar and go, 'Oh, can I do that'?"
Jones often commits when she's already out and having a good time. After a few drinks, big plans are made for months down the line.
"Then it comes time, and you're like, 'Oh my God'."
It's a sentiment many will be familiar with as social calendars rapidly fill throughout the holiday season. When that sense of overwhelm hits, is there a polite way to back out?
Ideally, Sutherland says, the best time to back out is before you say yes at all. He suggests being honest about what you can manage before agreeing to engagements.
Still need to make a last-minute cancellation? Make it more personal than an online message, he says.
A phone call and honest explanation, he says, lets you explain and carries a bit of weight.
It can be the difference between, "they rang to [explain] so I understand" and, "they just cancelled over social media. I don't know why they're not coming".
As for little white lie excuses? They can "come back to bite you in the ass".
"If you can't manage [going], just be honest and upfront about that and hope that your relationship is strong enough to weather it," Sutherland says.
"If you have to lie, it sounds like you're scratching around for an excuse. Maybe just go."
* Amberleigh Jack is a freelance entertainment and lifestyle writer
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