The real reason people turn to the likes of Ashley Madison to cheat

By Sofie Louise*

Almost every person has felt concern, however fleeting, that their partner might have an affair behind their back. However, research is available that shows that much of what we thought we knew about infidelity and the motivators behind it is actually misguided.

A new Netflix docuseries showcases the infamous website Ashley Madison, a platform created to connect individuals wanting affairs because "life is short". This site became well-known in 2015 when they were hacked and the details of its users were leaked online for partners, family, and friends alike to discover.

However, what's remarkable about this platform is that, even after its global scandal, the website currently boasts over 70 million users, a number that's comparable to the 75 million active users on Tinder.

Why would someone use Ashley Madison to cheat?

The docuseries spotlights numerous couples, many of whom were in seemingly happy, fulfilling relationships. Yet, individuals within these couplings still chose to have an affair that could ruin the lives they had built together.

The common belief is that people succumb to infidelity because they're unhappy with some aspect of their relationship, particularly a lack of sex or sexual attraction. Yet much of the time, this isn't the case.

As a sex coach, I've worked with female clients who were leading thriving sex lives with their partner that included playful, pleasurable intercourse multiple times a week, only for their significant other to eventually confess that they had been having an affair.

The research available reflects this experience and indicates that the primary motivation behind infidelity is actually a desire for excitement.

While for most, a sense of safety, comfort, and dependability is something to aspire to within a relationship, it can be a double-edged sword that prompts some to search for thrills in the bed of someone new.

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

Those who turn to affairs tend to create justifications for their behaviour, but for most of us, the answer to this question is an easy 'no'.

One client of mine, whom I'll call Sarah, found herself battling with the repercussions of her husband's behaviour for years after it occurred.

She would unexpectedly feel waves of anger interrupt her day as she was reminded of the affair he had admitted to having with a younger woman.

In particular, their sex life went from being pleasant to non-existent, as any desire that she was able to locate was curbed by intrusive thoughts about what he had done with this other woman and whether he had enjoyed sex with her more.

She chose to stay with him and eventually processed the experience through our sessions. However, elements of this experience have been shared by every client of mine who has been cheated on, demonstrating how deep the hurt of infidelity can go.

So, what do you do if you feel the desire to stray?

While having an affair is never the right course of action, feeling attracted to someone outside of your relationship is normal and common.

If it's a harmless crush or a fleeting moment of attraction to someone you pass on the street, there's no need to bring this up with your partner and create unnecessary insecurity.

However, if the desire to stray continues, you may consider how you can reignite the excitement within your existing relationship to build fulfilment here. This might include exploring more kinky sexual escapades or going on a sexy vacation equipped with red wine and a California king bed in a beautiful hotel suite.

Alternatively, you could consider opening your relationship up to options like swinging or polyamory. However, it's crucial that this is done carefully with the support of a counsellor who specialises in ethical non-monogamy, ensuring that the feelings of your existing partner are prioritised.

*Sofie Louise is a certified Auckland-based sex and libido coach and freelance journalist.