How to talk to children and teens about sex and pornography

When should parents start talking to kids about sex – and what do you actually say?

With the average Kiwi child first seeing porn at 12, the old-fashioned idea that one "birds and the bees" talk will suffice as sex education is really problematic, says Auckland sex therapist and porn researcher Jo Robertson.

To prevent the unsafe and unrealistic sex depicted in porn from being normalised for a child, she recommends parents offer contrasting information a couple of years beforehand.

To encourage your child to have a healthy relationship with their own body, it's important to use correct anatomical words such as 'vulva' from birth, Jo tells Kathryn Ryan.

"What we are communicating then is this is a totally normal thing to talk about, there's no shame in it, its just another part of our body.'

"When we use the word 'foo foo' for a girl's vulva, we imply that there's something a little bit embarrassing or shameful about it - and also that we as adults are uncomfortable.

"They'll feel more comfortable telling us [about inappropriate touching] if they don't feel already shamed about that area. If they feel embarrassed or that part of their body is a little bit weird they've got kind of a double whammy there – they don't want to tell us something inappropriate happened and they also don't want to talk about their part of their body.

"What we want to do the whole time is show them 'it's okay, we're comfortable, you can bring anything to us'."

By the time a child is three –  a common age to get a sibling –  it's time to introduce them to the concept of consent (a word they'll hear about in school later) and how to clearly say no, she says.

Before your child is eight, it's good to have already talked to them about reproduction but not necessarily the specifics of intercourse.

"If it feels like a question that's beyond appropriate or you think they'll tell all their friends say something like 'I'm really happy to talk to you about that when you're a bit older."

With the average New Zealand child first encountering porn at 12, many are seeing it younger,  Jo says, so 10 is a good age to open up a conversation about how the sex it depicts doesn't represent reality, Jo says.

In addressing this kind of content, you can decide how explicit you want to be, perhaps even describing it as "images and videos of naked people".

"In an ideal world, we start the porn chat with them [before they see it], then when they come across it, they're seeing it through the filter of what we've already said."

Internet porn – the source material that 70 percent of New Zealand young people say they learn how to have sex from –  depicts a lot of aggression, sexism, racism and unsafe sexual practices, Jo says.

To offer teens a more "aspirational view" of sex that they can compare with porn content, she recommends parents talk about the "key pillars of great sex" – consent, care, safety, kindness, comfort, and communication.

With teenagers who've already seen porn, these conversations need to be quite explicit, she says.

"[Teenagers] need us to be really open and quite explicit with what we're talking about because otherwise we're not serving them and they'll continue to get their answers from porn."

It's good to bring up sexuality with your teenager "really regularly", Jo says, as well as doing a once-a-month check-in.

In two-parent households, the person who feels more comfortable with talking about these kinds of topics can raise them first and the other parent can do a follow-up, she says.

In Jo's house, she will often raise a sensitive topic, and then her husband – who isn't as comfortable discussing it – will do a follow-up chat a few days later.

"[He might say] 'I know you talked to your mum about sex. What did you think about that? Do you have any other questions?'

"It's important that both people doing the care giving give it a go because then the child knows everyone is safe to talk to, [and won't think] 'I have to rely on this one person being around'."

Younger children need honest answers to their questions about sexuality but these can also be simple and brief, she says.

"If they ask 'is this what you guys do?' I would just say yes. And I would pad that out a little bit more. 'Yeah, that's the way that me and... whoever you're with... show each other that we love each other'.

"If it feels like a question that's beyond appropriate or you think they'll tell all their friends say something like 'I'm really happy to talk to you about that when you're a bit older'."

With children of any age, "fudging around" a topic that you find awkward to talk about isn't helpful, Jo says.

"Kids can handle a great deal of complexity – they can handle more than we think."

Jo Robertson is the Research and Training Lead for The Light Project - a charitable trust researching media influences on youth sexual culture.