Too much shame and guilt to speak out at the time.
Hanz Freller was abused at the Hebron Trust, a home for at-risk youth, in the early 1990s from the age of 15. Photo: Supplied
The words of Hanz Freller, 47, to the inquiry into Abuse in Care and its investigation into the religious brothers of the Order of St John of God.
The Royal Commission is investigating historical abuse at the Marylands residential school in Christchurch, and the Hebron Trust, a home for at-risk youth, both run by the Order.
Freller was a resident at the Hebron Trust's, Pampuri home in Christchurch in the early 1990s from the age of 15.
It was overseen by the now notorious, Brother Bernard McGrath.
Freller said McGrath befriended him, gave him privileges the other boys did not have and generally kept a close eye on him.
McGrath took a keen interest in him, often standing in the doorway of his bedroom asking about how school was going and life in general.
''This gradually developed into him standing at the end of my bed, sitting on my bed to getting undressed and hopping into my bed on the cold mornings. I knew from TV and movies that what he was doing was wrong. I was scared to my wits.''
Over an 18-month period the indecent assaults continued and eventually McGrath sodomised him.
''It was the incident that broke me. I realised that I did not want this anymore," Freller said.
''I didn't tell anyone about what Bernard McGrath was doing to me. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. He told me to keep it a secret.''
Freller tried his best to avoid McGrath and when he tried to abuse him again, this time in the shower, he was at breaking point.
''I just told him to stop, right as he was trying to sodomise me again. He stopped, said nothing and he never touched me again."
Freller did not tell anyone what was going on, but within weeks McGrath disappeared from the Hebron Trust.
At a meeting residents were told police were investigating complaints of a sexual nature against him.
When one former resident who was at the meeting stood up and praised McGrath saying any allegations were lies, Freller lost the plot and flew at the man and had to be dragged off.
After he cooled down in an office, he told a staff member he had been abused by McGrath but did not go into all of the details.
''I told police about the indecencies but not about being sodomised. I was not ready. I was ashamed and uncomfortable about it and I did not want to feel any worse.''
In 1993, McGrath was convicted in Christchurch District Court on charges of indecent assault against Freller.
Freller said he does not often think about how the sexual abuse impacted on him.
''I believe it has shaped me and it's part of the journey of how I came to be who I am today.''
Frellar wants an apology from St John of God.
''A genuine apology and confirmation that changes had been made to ensure that abuse of children and young people in St John of God care could never happen again, is what I really want.''
He said he shared the full extent of his abuse to the Royal Commission now because he does not want others to go through what he went through.