Asking multiple questions is a powerful listening tool, Jo Robertson says. Photo: Unsplash
Listening is about trying to fully understand the other person's position, not trying to assert your own, a therapist says.
Effective listening is a muscle that must be developed, Auckland therapist Jo Robertson tells RNZ's Nine to Noon.
Being quiet for long periods of time, and not jumping in and getting defensive, is one principle of effective listening, she said.
"We actually have to take a team approach … listening to the other person's perspective, even when it's painful, and then seeing where they're right, actively looking for where they are right and where we are wrong. And that's how we get to a solution."
Often in a relationship there will be a conflict pursuer and a conflict avoider, she said.
"The challenge here is that the person who's pursuing, they need to be able to push pause, they need to be able to give the other person space, the challenge for the other person, the one who's avoiding is to determine a time when they will definitely circle back.
"Lots of couples get into the pattern of one person pursuing; pursue, pursue, pursue, 'I want to talk, I want to talk now'. The other person avoiding, 'I'm not ready, I can't do it'. And then it doesn't go anywhere."
How to be a good listener
Set a time to talk and stick to it, she said.
"Now the avoider is going OK I know the challenge for me is that this conversation is coming. The pursuer is going okay, I know the challenge is that I'm going to have to wait but the conversation was coming."
Listen with your non-verbal and verbal skills, she said, don't eye-roll, look away and fold your arms when listening.
Asking multiple questions is also powerful listening tool, she said.
"One of those questions that would be great is, 'can I just clarify that you mean XYZ?' Because then we don't go away with assumptions, we don't go away with interpretation, we go away with clarification, we're talking the same language."
Don't impose what you think is right, introduce ideas, she suggests.
"David and I, my husband, do lots of brainstorming and he does the same back. 'So here's an idea I've got, or I'm just wondering if, or one of the things I've guessed is if we do this, it might be better.'
"So, taking a lighter approach, as opposed to you need XYZ, you must, I have to have this. It's I wonder, I'm curious, I'm thinking, I'm guessing."
And sometimes someone just needs to vent, so let them, she said.
"You could jump in and say, 'I'm just wondering, do you want me to address some of these different things? Or are you just trying to just trying to get it all out?'"
That helps to bring clarity, she said.
"It's what we call the naive inquirer. It's not assuming an outcome."