A woman born intersex, who was disowned by her mother before being abused in state care, says she felt re-traumatised when an inquiry told her she was not the right demographic to give her testimony at a hearing.
Sharyn was born intersex and was disowned by her mother before being abused in state care. Photo: Supplied
Sharyn is among witnesses to the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care. The lengthy report is being made public on Wednesday afternoon.
Almost 3000 survivors registered with the Royal Commission, but it is estimated more than quarter of a million people may have suffered abuse at the hands of the state and faith-based institutions between 1950 and 2019.
Born into a large dysfunctional family, Sharyn's mother thought something was wrong with her child and dished out punishment.
"I was born intersex. I didn't know what that was, I had no idea but mum was very offended by me being born that way and... she took it out on me. I was terrified of my mother, but I loved her as well."
Sharyn's mum considered her a boy.
"She insisted that I be raised a boy and given a boy's name, treated like a boy. The problem was that never worked, it just never fit no matter where I went. Wherever I was, I was tormented and teased for the way I looked and behaved."
Her mum disowned her as a child and Sharyn was made a ward of the state. She later requested her welfare file and found it harrowing.
"I remember reading she never bonded with me, she never breast-fed me, there was no bonding at all. It was recorded that I had hernias and there was something not right with my genitals, but that was all that was said."
As a welfare child, she suffered sexual abuse in care homes from the age of 11 and was later sent to Lake Alice psychiatric hospital for treatment.
Sharyn gave her testimony to the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care over two days, in one-on-one interviews - a process she said was tough, but good.
After the interview, Sharyn said she was told she would be asked to give her testimony at a hearing because her circumstances were unique.
"When eventually I did get the phone call, it came as a shock because I was told management have decided you don't fit the demographic they want to appear before the commission," she said.
"I remember saying 'well what is the demographic that they want?' and she said to me 'they want Māori and Pasifika people'."
Sharyn felt rejected.
"I was shocked by that because for me that was another form of rejection and here it was happening with this roy comm... they themselves were abusing me, that's how it felt."
She said abuse was colour-blind.
"It made no difference what colour I was, it made no difference if I was Māori, Pasifika or European I was simply a welfare child, someone who was available to be abused by people who were predators."
Royal Commission response
A spokesperson from the inquiry's decommissioning team said not being in a public hearing in no way minimised a survivor's voice and all survivors' experiences were factored into the inquiry's final report and recommendations.
"We aimed to communicate properly and clearly with survivors around whether they would be included in a public hearing, but we acknowledge that at times our communication wasn't clear," they said.
"The inquiry has been challenging for many of the courageous survivors who shared their experiences. Some survivors told us they felt retraumatised, while others said they found it empowering and healing."
The spokesperson said every survivor's experience mattered.
"Survivors have faced so much harm in their lives already, and while the inquiry aimed to minimise that through our processes, we know we didn't get it right every single time," they said.
"We acknowledge our shortcomings where survivors feel the inquiry didn't provide the right information clearly around Inquiry decisions."
The spokesperson said there were several ways for survivors to share their experiences - through a private session with commissioners, their written account, a witness statement, through wānanga, haerenga, fono, talanoa, town hall meetings, hui, public hearings, engagement events and through artwork, music and poetry/literature.
Inquiry teams then analysed every single survivor testimony alongside the Terms of Reference, which is what the Government required the inquiry to investigate.
They said the inquiry heard from thousands of survivors, whānau, communities, former staff, advocates, academics and experts.
"While only a very small number of survivors gave evidence at public hearings, every single survivor account was analysed by the inquiry."
They said survivors' experiences selected for public hearings was based on multiple factors, including their well-being.
"The inquiry's Terms of Reference asks it to look at specific demographics and population groups. Ethnicity is one of those demographics - specifically the experiences of Māori and Pacific people," the spokesperson said.
"The circumstances that led the survivor being taken into or placed in care, the nature and extent of the abuse and neglect suffered, the impacts of their care experience and the factors that caused or contributed to the abuse and neglect suffered."
Sharyn's early years
Sharyn said her early years had been marked by abuse and the rejection she suffered from her mother.
"All I'd known was rejection and abuse in all its various forms."
The only bright spot, she said, was her time staying with a foster family on a farm. She stayed in contact with her foster mother.
After being abused at a church camp while staying with her foster family, her mental health suffered and she was sent to the child and adolescent unit at Lake Alice psychiatric hospital as a teenager.
"When they put you there, you're really surplus to requirements."
The heavy medication Sharyn was given caused an overdose and she had to be resuscitated.
Although never given it, she lived in fear of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
Sharyn remembered the unit's lead psychiatrist Dr Selwyn Leeks, who administered ECT on a machine he modified to make the shocks more powerful.
The Lake Alice unit in Rangitīkei closed in the late 1970s when Leeks moved to Australia. He died two years ago, having never faced justice for his actions. Shortly before his death police said there was enough evidence to charge him, but he was unfit to face trial.
Sharyn stayed at Lake Alice for two weeks but said her experience there and hearing the torture has shaped her life.
She said Dr Leeks would arrive on a Friday afternoon.
"The things I saw and what they did to me would last a lifetime," she said.
"We all sat around on chairs absolutely terrified of who was going to be called next. There was a room, the shock treatment room, and you could hear the electricity and the humming and burring and the screaming. It was horrible."
After Lake Alice, Sharyn lived in flats where she was raped.
Sharyn now lives an isolated life because that helps her to feel safe.
"I live with my nightmare.... I might smell something or see something or hear something and it triggers me. I cannot stand institutional veg mix of carrots corn and peas because that's what they would give us."
On her 18th birthday, Sharyn legally changed her name from the boy's name she'd been given at birth - she's now 66.
"I was never aware of being a boy I was always aware of being me, Sharyn. That's how I always remember me it's just that people couldn't make this connection between this boys name and who I actually was."