Natasha Frost weighs in on this week's episodes of The Bachelor NZ.
Photo: The Bachelor NZ
It’s time for Naz to go.
Not because she’s narky or mean (although sometimes she tends towards it, #poorceri); not even as punishment for that gloriously uncomfortable shower scene atop the boat; not because, as I believe she’s beginning to realise, Jordan’s just not that into her.
Some people will never know true love, but Naz has found it, and on a reality television programme, no less. But now it’s gone. Sayonara, Claudia. Hello, heartbreak.
Let’s say I’m wrong, and Jordan’s affections do lie in Team Naz: nothing they share can ever match what Claudia and Naz had. Tears, laughter, a hit-list: it’s like Bonnie and Clyde all over again. So get out, Naz, and find Claudia. (She’ll probably be at Little Bird on Summer Street, or on a beach, in a bikini.) Ride into the sunset together. Bid the mansion adieu.
Besides, I’m picking it now: Rebecca’s going to win this thing.
Fourteen girls remain in the mansion. She’s not my favourite (that dubious honour goes to Sarah of the incredible Iron Maiden t-shirt, Disney woodland critter Danielle, or Fleur, my queen), but she’s in it to win it.
She’s got a nickname (‘bub’ - presumably the outcome of an all-night Jordan brainstorm), she’s had a pash - and post-vom, no less! - and, as was exclusively revealed in the first episode, she’s a dab hand at Scrabble, and therefore may even be able to read. Natural! Relaxed! She’s been to Ireland! The perfect woman. She didn’t even need to prove that she could drive.*
Photo: The Bachelor NZ
So much of the Bachelor is unbelievable: that the girls, clad in a symphony of sleepwear, should all have perfect make-up; that Christchurch-born Jordan and Sarah haven’t asked each other what school they went to; Naz’s breasts. But what Jordan and Rebecca have just might be the real thing.
And good for her, I suppose, though as the series progresses, I’m increasingly unsure whether man-shaped prize Jordan is really all that great.
I hate, most of all, the way he calls them 'the girls' (my scrawled notes either say ‘pavlova’ or ‘paternalistic’). I hate the utterly bizarre power dynamic, enhanced by a driving lesson, where the winner gets to take part in his Suzuki-sponsored wet dream. I also hate the way that, unlike forbear Art Green, a quirky way of asking for a rose is insufficient currency. “You’ve got to earn it,” says Jordan, forbiddingly, as if ritual humiliation on national television weren’t enough.
This time around, the producers seem to be playing up that element by taking the girls on dates which play up to their least preferred activities. Kate goes horse-riding, Naz gets chucked off the back of a boat. Do your worst! Conquer those fears! Anything for a narrative arc, hey?
This season’s The Bachelor is on a far grander scale than the last: a better mansion (with a pool!), and Cloudy Bay Pelarus rather than dear old Lindy. They even airlifted him in.
Consequently, I’m expecting more terror. Last season’s winner, Matilda, got given a boyfriend after she broke her wrist (or something like that, anyway) - if Rebecca’s really serious about winning this, she’s got to dream big, and nausea just won’t cut it, especially while Erin’s abed, sickening for a rose. (But a broken femur might do, maybe. Suddenly, whether or not ‘the girls’ are ‘safe’ takes on a sinister edge.)
She might be my pick, but there’s a way to go yet, and a steely glint in Kate’s eye that suggests she’s not yet ready to hand over the hairy trophy. Perfect Storm, too, looks like she’s not going down without a fight. Two words: Naz’s hitlist.
Buckle up, for we’re in for a rough ride. For better or worse, it looks like Jordan’s driving.
*As someone who is aged 24 and on the rocky road to my Restricted - roundabouts perilous, right-hand turns questionable (though easier with your eyes shut) and bay-parking downright out of the question - this was one of the less romantic parts of the episode for me.
Going home: Claudia, Amanda
Pick to win: Rebecca (still)
Single Date: Kate, Gab (so to speak), Rebecca
In trouble: Alicia