Amelia Kerr: My family saved my life

By Kristy Havill* for Locker Room

Amelia Kerr wants the world to understand the mental hell she's been through in the past 18 months. And the White Ferns wunderkind tells Kristy Havill how her family and those closest to her helped save her life.

It was July 2020 when Amelia Kerr began to notice she wasn't herself.

A habit had formed where the young White Fern would leave the house early in the morning to go to cricket training, fill her days with other errands and activities, before coming home later in the evening and going straight to bed.

Her biggest priority was keeping herself distracted to quieten the voices in her head.

As is often the case, Kerr, then 19, didn't share how she was feeling with her family or friends. She soldiered on for a while and battened down the hatches to deal with things herself.

Before too long, Kerr found herself turning to her personal development manager (or PDM), Lesley Elvidge, from the New Zealand Cricket Players' Association for support to find a way forward.

Elvidge, who's the PDM for the White Ferns as well as the Canterbury and Otago men's domestic teams, is one of the key cogs in Kerr's support network. She suggested, and then organised, for Kerr to begin seeing a psychologist.

"I was a bit apprehensive, and didn't really think I needed to," Kerr says. "At first it was only Lesley that knew I was seeing a psychologist, because I didn't want my parents or my family to know."

Keeping it a secret from her family - including her elder sister, Jess, also a White Fern - wasn't simple. Especially when both her parents are heavily involved in cricket, too.

But when Kerr's wellbeing reached its lowest ebb a year later - and she was seen by a mental health crisis team - it was her family, she says, who saved her life.

Kerr stunned the cricketing world earlier this year when it was announced she wasn't available for the White Ferns' tour of England in September due to mental health reasons.

Many jumped to the conclusion it was cricket related or burnout, but in Kerr's case cricket is her happy place. It was off the field she was struggling.

A key player firmly ensconced in the New Zealand team's line-up and one of the biggest superstars in the women's game globally, with a cricket CV already glittering with achievements and records, her withdrawal came as a surprise to many.

But should it have?

After all, mental health doesn't discriminate.

Regardless of your profession, level of income, athletic performances or international titles to your name, it doesn't stop the lonely and isolating place our brains can sometimes take us to.

This has been a significant year in the shifting of the tide that is the stigma around mental health.

Gymnast Simone Biles is perhaps the most high-profile example, withdrawing herself from several events at the Tokyo Olympic after experiencing 'the twisties'.

It threw an unprecedented amount of light on the subject, one that's often talked about but very rarely resulting in action.

Now, athletes like Biles, cricketers Ben Stokes and Sophie Devine, and the now 21-year-old Kerr are all practising what they preach and prioritising their mental health.

And for Kerr, her journey of inspiring and helping others as a result of her experience is only just beginning.

PART ONE

Kerr describes Lesley Elvidge as nothing short of a legend - someone she couldn't have got through her struggles without.

The NZCPA have continuously increased their resources into personal development programmes over the last few years, allowing dedicated personnel like Elvidge to be used by players on a full-time basis.

It might be to help them with career or study advice, as an advocate for employee or cricketing commitments, or in Kerr's case, being an ear to listen and a guide when they need it most.

The discretion afforded to players by their PDM really came to the fore when Kerr swore Elvidge to secrecy about what she was going through.

Kerr's mum, Jo Murray, also works for the NZCPA - as the PDM for the Canterbury and Otago women, and the Central Districts and Wellington men.

Elvidge and Murray are close friends and colleagues. Kerr concedes it was a tough ask for Elvidge not to share Kerr's struggles with one of the people who loves her most.

Call it a mother's intuition, but it was Murray who initiated the tough conversation with Kerr after noticing her daughter hadn't been her usual self.

"It had made Mum quite upset, because I'd changed how I was acting around home and I was avoiding home," Kerr reveals.

"I broke down in tears because I'd been upsetting my mum, who I have a great relationship with. When I told her I'd been seeing a psychologist, she was so supportive and also relieved I'd opened up about how I was feeling; she's amazing.

"But it took her to recognise it and bring it up with me rather than me being able to approach it and tell her first."

Parents are known for doing everything they can to protect their children, but for Kerr it was a matter of shielding her parents from her grief and struggles.

"I didn't want them to think I was feeling the way I was because of something they'd done," Kerr shares. "I didn't want them to feel like they could've done more, because they couldn't have."

The idea of being a burden to those she loves was frightening for Kerr, and although she's someone who implores friends and family to come to her if they're struggling, she found herself unable to do the same.

"I didn't want to make the people around me sad because I was," Kerr says. "It's crazy how your brain is wired, because if my friend was doing that, I'd want them to come to me - and they have. But on the other hand, I couldn't do that for so long."

With her family now aware of her mental health battle and firmly in her corner, Kerr went on the White Ferns tour of Australia in September 2020 - the first time touring in a bubble because of Covid-19. She was also one of the many Kiwis playing in the Women's Big Bash League, also held under strict bubble restrictions.

All up, it was three months of solace on the field for Kerr with her New Zealand and Brisbane Heat teammates - and complete disarray off it.

Struggling to sleep and experiencing panic attacks, there were several times Kerr nearly pulled the pin and left the tour and the WBBL.

Kerr recalls ringing her parents on multiple occasions in the middle of the night when she was at her worst.

She knows how hard it would have been for them on the other end of the phone, unable to fly over and be with her because of bubble and MIQ restrictions.

One of her biggest supporters in the Big Bash bubble was her long-time Wellington and New Zealand team-mate Maddy Green, also playing for Brisbane. Kerr says Green was a significant help getting her through those tough few months.

As were family nearby - especially Kerr's aunt, Susie, who lives an hour out of Sydney. Kerr would call her often and stayed with her before heading home.

"She's very experienced in the mental health area and always knows the right thing to say. She's been a key part throughout my mental health journey."

With a lot of support on either side of the Tasman, Kerr was able to navigate through the tricky period, until the Heat bowed out in the semifinals and she could return home.

Kerr stopped seeing her psychologist throughout last summer as she felt better. She represented the Wellington Blaze in the Dream11 Super Smash, then turned her attention to battling England and Australia with the White Ferns.

It turned out to be a lengthy summer of cricket - September through to April. Most players would welcome time to rest with open arms, but for Kerr, it was the start of a tumultuous six months.

PART TWO

Continuing her fitness during their team leave period, Kerr was itching to get back with the White Ferns and into her cricket 'safe space'. But it wasn't able to protect her as well this time around.

"It hit me again in May this year," Kerr says. "I remember saying when I'd got back from Australia: 'I'm so glad I went through what I did because I learnt so much about myself, but I hope I never have to go through that again'.

"And then I went through it again this time and it was a thousand times worse."

Even though her parents were an immense support to her, Kerr again wanted to protect them, and didn't share with them she was on her way downhill again.

"Only Maddy and Lesley knew, and I think that was tough on them as they're both close with my parents and my family," Kerr admits.

"But they both knew they couldn't break my trust, otherwise I'd stop telling them what I was feeling. And that's a dangerous place.

"It was difficult for them, but I couldn't have two better people in Lesley and Maddy to go to when I needed. Once my family stepped in that's exactly what I needed -even though I didn't want it at the time."

Kerr was struggling to catch a break - until she suffered a break in a catch, and things went from bad to worse. A catching drill in late May went awry when Kerr copped a ball to her right ring finger - her key spinning finger as a leg spin bowler.

"The good thing about breaking your finger over a different injury is I could still run and go to the gym, which definitely helped," Kerr says.

"But the break also took away my safe space. It gave me more time to think about other things again."

Although she was seeing her psychologist again, and talking to Green and Elvidge, everything reached a tipping point at another White Ferns camp at the beginning of July.

Amid concerns for her mental health and welfare, Kerr was sent home early from the camp by coaching and management staff. Green accompanied her back to Wellington to help keep her safe, before Kerr's family wrapped their support around her.

"Sometimes you're not in the right place to make the best decisions for yourself, and I needed decisions to be made for me. And that's where my whole extended family was incredible," Kerr says.

While she told her parents it was her decision to return home, she now knows they were informed of the true circumstances. Since cricket has always been Kerr's happy place, it was a warning sign to her family.

What happened the following day was a deeply personal and harrowing experience for them all. But Kerr knows sharing it could potentially prompt others to take action.

"The next day, Mum and Dad took me to the [hospital] emergency department and to the crisis team, as I needed to get into the system as soon as possible," Kerr recalls.

"We waited eight hours, but I'm so glad I had my family; I would have never gone by myself. It reminded me how important having support is. Without the support I had, I'd still be suffering."

Kerr spent 90 minutes talking to the crisis team and a psychiatrist at the hospital.

"And everyone in that room cried. It was a blur and a surreal experience. The process I went through was so scary and so hard, but it was what I needed and I wouldn't have been able to do it without my family.

"My family saved my life."

Kerr then began seeing a psychiatrist, who was able to prescribe her medication, which she was initially apprehensive about taking. But it's now a topic she's happy to talk about, because she wants to let people know it is okay to take medication if it's required.

"I thought it may affect my trainings and I didn't want to become reliant on them," Kerr says. "But I knew it was for the best - that to get better, medication was going to help as well as therapy.

"I now don't worry about how long I'll have to be on them for, if they help me feel happier and help my mind to relax."

Kerr pays credit to the White Ferns staff and NZ Cricket for their understanding and allowing her to do what's best for her health. While it was a difficult decision to withdraw from the tour to England in September this year, in reality, it was the only decision Kerr could make.

"You don't want to feel like you're letting the team down, but with the place I was in, I was letting the team down if I went and wasn't in the best place mentally."

Kerr also nods to her skipper, Devine, for taking a two-month break from the game, and laying a platform for mental health to become more of a priority in the White Ferns side.

"For Sophie to do what she did showed a lot of courage," says Kerr. "So for me to not be the first person to pull out of a tour and seeing some else do it, you know that it's okay and that you can come back from it.

"Sophie's been amazing. When she was in the UK she would always check in, and before she went away, she'd hang out with me and see how I was going. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who can relate about missing tours. She just said it's what she needed to do as well.

"I think mental health will be talked about a whole lot more now."

It was a proud moment for Kerr, her family and her teammates when she took the field for Wellington in their opening Hallyburton Johnstone Shield 50-over match against the Canterbury Magicians in Rangiora at the end of October.

She looked like she'd never been away, as she snared two five-wicket bags in two days, then followed that up with a match-winning performance for the Blaze in their Super Smash opener against the same opposition at Hagley Oval.

Most important of all, she looked like she was enjoying herself going about her business.

One thing she's especially looking forward to is reuniting on the field with her big sister, Jess, who's been going through an injury lay-off of her own in the past month.

The White Ferns' tour of England was the first time the elder sister had toured and played for the national side without her younger sibling lining up alongside her - which was difficult for them both.

PART THREE

A home World Cup and Commonwealth Games in 2022, offers from franchise leagues around the world, as well as the prospect of test cricket and a Women's IPL on the horizon, Kerr is excited about what her future holds in the sport she loves.

The idea she could still be rolling the arm over at the age of 32 when Brisbane hosts the 2032 Olympics - with cricket touted as a potential new sport - makes her eyes light up. She'd love to become an Olympian at one of her adopted home grounds, the Gabba.

But it's not just on the field Kerr has lofty ambitions. Studying her way through a Bachelor of Arts majoring in education and sociology through Massey University, Kerr has also spent time working as a teacher aide with primary school kids with behavioural issues.

"I loved that, I've always loved helping people," Kerr explains. "I think it's definitely something I'd like to work in when I finish cricket.

"I'd love to go into low-decile schools and provide kids with more opportunity and be a mentor to them."

Just a teen herself, Amelia Kerr was mobbed by young girls and boys in the West Indies. Photo: NZ Cricket.

Kerr is also passionate about being involved in mental health advocacy and initiatives in the future.

In the meantime, one of her priorities is sharing her mental health experiences far and wide in a bid to help as many people as possible.

"It's about turning my pain into my passion, and that's why I wanted to be honest about why I didn't go to England," Kerr says. "Hopefully I'll be able to help someone out there to know it's okay to struggle and it will pass."

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and having weathered another storm, Kerr can now reflect on her growth over the past 18 months.

"I'm more me than I've ever been," Kerr says.

"I'm more human, because of it all. Fully accepting it all is massive because trying to hide away from it is tough. And doing it all alone is too tough."

She's acutely aware how lucky she was to see a psychologist almost immediately last year, with support from NZCPA, and knows it isn't possible for many New Zealanders experiencing long wait-list times.

"It's so tough that the wait is so long to get into someone," Kerr admits. "There's always someone that you can talk to and you can ask for help from. Your own GP is a good starting point as they can also connect you with the support you need.

"Even if it's not a professional, there's somebody who wants to listen, who no matter what, will drop everything to be there for you. It's really hard, but if you do it once, it gets easier and easier.

"Whatever you're going through, it will pass, and there are people who want you here. Everybody has mental health struggles, just on a different level. If you're struggling, please don't be afraid to ask for help."

This story was originally published on LockerRoom and is republished with permission.

* Kristy Havill is a world championship silver medallist in clay target shooting and Canterbury Magicians cricketer.

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Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland

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thelowdown.co.nz - or email team@thelowdown.co.nz or free text 5626

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