What it's like to be an asexual sex worker in New Zealand

By Sofie Louise*

Danielle (name changed for privacy reasons) has been working as an escort, sensual masseuse, and online content creator for the last six years.

But, in an industry known for its rampant sexuality, Danielle experiences zero sexual attraction to anyone, ever.

From the first boyfriend she had as a teenager, the now-30-year-old said she realised that something was different about her.

"I was interested in having a boyfriend, but for the cuddles and not much else," the New Zealander says.

"So when it came time to explore beyond that, it just didn't do anything for me."

While Danielle is asexual, she is also disabled and experiences frequent flare-ups from her fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and irritable bowel syndrome that can be debilitating.

This, she says, is what led her into her unlikely career as a sex worker, which she did full-time for years before recently transitioning to part-time while she studies and takes on other odd jobs.

The industry is "really quiet at the moment, I'm maybe seeing like three clients a week", but being a sex worker is one of the only ways she can make money as a disabled person, she says.

"When I'm well enough, I can make enough money to sustain me during my flare-ups."

On top of these in-person bookings, she also sells erotic content through multiple platforms, including OnlyFans. However, while she consistently creates solo content, Danielle's asexuality can make it challenging to organise shoots with other performers.

She says she regularly gets performers pulling out at the last minute, which she attributes to her openness with them about her lack of genuine sexual interest.

"I'm gonna straight up tell you that I'm asexual and that what we are doing is for the camera."

She says she does this because "I've heard so many horror stories about the male performers that want to keep going in between takes or, you know, think that this will become like a regular thing, but I'm literally just doing this for the money."

When it comes to her in-person work, however, Danielle believes that her asexuality actually makes her better at her job. She says while many sex workers will refrain from things they consider too intimate, "I don't have a personal sex life. As long as there is money, I will do it".

While sexuality does not come naturally to her, she says she went through a "research stage", which involved her trying different things - like visits to a swingers' club and sex with people of different genders - to determine whether she was actually asexual or if she just had a low libido.

"I kind of just sat in the corner and drank my soda."

This period led her to the acceptance of her asexuality and it also helped her to perfect the performance of acting sexually interested in clients, by "watching how other people did it and then mimicking what you saw other people do to create that kind of persona and performance".

She puts on this sexual persona at work to hide her asexuality from her clients. Disclosing this information, she says, would hinder her income, so instead she plays Lana Del Ray songs about money to get her in the right mindset.

While she is playing the part, "mentally, I'm just doing my groceries. I'm not there".

However, being asexual, or 'ace', does create challenges in her dating life, which she refers to as "a nightmare".

"I've even gone on dates and like I'm very open in my life that I'm asexual with no sexual interest so do not try anything, and they're still trying to grope me, still trying to like 'oh like we should go back to your place and see how things go' and having to constantly reiterate like I'm not into that in the slightest."

Would dating another asexual person be an option?

"A lot of asexuals are also aromantic," Danielle explains, meaning they have no interest in dating.

"So, of course, that cuts an already pretty small pool down to an even tinier one."

*Sofie Louise is a certified Auckland-based sex and libido coach and freelance journalist.